These are the fibers of what makes the world

I saved a kitty on Monday. She is the sweetest, most adorable thing. I took her to the vet yesterday and he said she's probably around 3-4 years old and weighs 4 lbs! She is so emaciated, you can see/feel every bone in her little body! I've been feeding her kitten food to try and fatten her up. It's only been 2 days but so far she eating well, sleeping, cuddling, and all that good stuff. The only problem is my parents are out of town for 2 weeks. This is a good thing because they never would have let me bring her in the house, but a bad thing because they'll probably freak when they get home and find out I've been keeping this cat in their bathroom the whole time they were gone! Also, my brother is being his usual stubborn self and won't let me bring the cat out of the bathroom. He is scared she will get my dog sick... I've tried explaining that unless the dog ate her poop or something, there is virtually no way he will get sick. But then again, he will not even look at her, so I think in his mind, she is this emaciated, sick, rabies-infected cat that is going to attack him or something.

I feel bad that I have to keep her locked in a tiny room without sunlight, so tonight I spent about 2 hours doing homework in there with her. She spent most of the time curled up in my lap (which makes it very difficult to take notes btw). Then, she randomly got down from my lap and BIT me! That little brat. Hopefully I'm right and she doesn't have any diseases... I'll find out next Tuesday when I take her to get spayed/vaccinated/examinated/etc. at this place I found that will do everything for $60. I figure the only chance I have of being able to keep her is if I show my parents that I'm taking care of her. I feel like a 12-year-old. At 23, I shouldn't have to hide a pet from my parents or beg to keep her... but oh well, I guess it is their house. Hopefully the fact that I'm graduating in 7 months and hope to be in my own apartment within 12 months will allow them to be okay with it.

Speaking of graduating... 7 months left! Omg I can't believe it. They told us this semester was going to be the hardest, but we got next semesters schedule and it looks just as ridiculous.

Monday - OFF - thank god - however, we do have an online nursing research class
Tuesday - 8 hour community clinical followed by 3 hours of class.
Wednesday - classes from 8am - 7pm 
Thursday - 12 hour med-surg clinical
Friday - 12 hour med-surg clinical

So we basically have 4 12-hour days a week, plus a 1 hour drive to and from school.

The med-surg clinical is only for the 1st half of the semester and then we switch over to our practicum after spring break. I think it's 6 or 8 weeks and 225 hours. They're being all secretive and won't give us any details except that we have to do well during "senior skills week" in order for them to determine what type of practicum we're allowed to do. Therefore, if you fuck up, you're stuck with med-surg at the hospital of their choice. Ugh. A girl that I know from UF works on the peds floor of the hospital that is 5 minutes from my house. She's in grad school to be a pediatric nurse practitioner and is the same age as me. It's a plus that she seems to have a quiet temperment like me, so I'll be able to see that someone who isn't overly excited and loud can be a good nurse. And it's peds. And it's 5 minutes from my house!

I saw my first birth today! It was exciting. When I first got to the hospital in the morning, she was barely dilated, and at the end of my day I got to wheel her over to postpartum and bring her baby to her. It was really cool to be involved in the whole thing. I did my first Foley catheter, which was really not as big of a deal as they make it seem in skills lab. Everything is way slimier on a real human though (as opposed to a plastic manikin) I got to watch the epidural, all the cervical checks, assist in the actual delivery, assist with assessing the baby after it was born, helped her to breastfeed for the first time, took the baby to the nursery, did the postpartum assessment on my patient, got her up and clean and brought her to the postpartum floor. It was very cool. And when I went to say goodbye to her, both her and her mom gave me a hug and told me I was going to be a great nurse.

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

Today was a really good day, an exhausting day, but a good day. I shadowed an ER nurse for 12 hours. On my way to the hospital in the morning, I was incredibly nervous. I have social anxiety and I'm a nervous wreck every week driving to the hospital. Every week so far I've had a generally good experience and had generally good nurses, but it doesn't stop me from thinking the worst the next time I have to go through it. Anyways... I'm too tired to write about my whole day in the ER, I just wanted to document something that I can look back on when I'm feeling scared or frustrated.

At the end of my shift, we have to have our "nurse expert" fill out an evaluation of us, including exemplar areas and areas to improve. After my nurse filled it out she told me that I did a good job, and I said "Really? I get so nervous, I know I need to work on my confidence." And she said.... "Actually, I thought you were very confident. You were talking to all the patients, and you did that assessment all by yourself and that takes a lot of confidence." She went on to say "Thinking back to how I was at the stage of the program you are in now, I think you're doing a great job, you seem very knowledgeable and you care about the patients. I think you're going to be a great nurse." I thanked her and left. Ever since that conversation, which was about 3 hours ago, I have been smiling nonstop. It was so nice to hear that from a nurse that graduated from the same program that I am in. She has only been working for a little over a year and she seems SO knowledgeable and comfortable. However, she's also not afraid to admit that she's still new and still has a lot to learn.

I really want to sit down and write out a list of all the things I've seen and done thus far, but I'm too exhausted. We have summer break about 2 1/2 weeks from now, and I want to use that time to process all of the stuff we have learned.

They told us that in the accelerated program you go, go, go and then once you graduate you finally get to absorb everything you learned. It's so true. I can't believe how much we have learned in only TWO MONTHS. I always look at the future and feel overwhelmed, but my conversation with my nurse today caused me to stop for a minute and look back at where I was just 2 months ago, and it really is amazing.

Well it's 10:30, I've been up since 5am. I need to shower and study neurological assessment. Tomorrow I have to go in early to get re-checked off for Foley insertion because there's 1 particular instructor that is so anal she will 'fail' students for any little mistake. All of the other instructors allow you to verbalize what you did wrong and what you were supposed to do, and let you continue. Oh well. Lab tomorrow we are being checked off on neurological assessments and setting up IVs. Two weeks until our head-to-toe assessment and then summer break!

A patient on my floor of the hospital today has swine flu! Before they diagnosed him, he was in a regular 2 patient room and the other patient was one of my nurse's patients. Because I was in the room with him for a prolonged period of time, I am now taking Tamiflu. Another student took the guy's vitals and he coughed on her, so obviously she's taking Tamiflu as well.

I'm not worried about it. It was a little scary when the employee health nurse came up to me and said "Now I don't want to scare you, but..."

But even though I was in the room, the patients are separated by a curtain and I never went within 3-4 feet of swine-flu boy (name changed to protect the patient haha). As soon as the found out he had it, they put him into an isolated room.

So, even though I highly highly doubt I got exposed to it, it's a cool story to tell. It's fun to tell people who are not in the medical field about it because they freak out.

Anyways, it's 10pm on a Thursday night, I have tomorrow off, and I'm going to bed. I'm so exhausted.

Ugh I just wrote an entry and it got deleted, so I'm just going to write a brief re-cap.

Thus far, I feel neutral about nursing school. I don't particularly love it but I don't hate it either. I also vary between feeling fascinated with my options and optimistic about my future to nervous about my future and unhappy with my potential career options.

I think I'm optimistic when I think in board terms and pessimistic when I start to think about the details of what I will actually be doing.

The problem is I'm still struggling with understanding what nurses actually DO. I know they pass meds, monitor IVs and give injections. As I've learned in lab they also clean wounds and put in foley catheters. However, I keep hearing about how busy and stressed nurses are and I don't see what is so time consuming and stressful... I'm probably shooting myself in the foot by saying that. The one floor nurse I've followed so far seemed to have a pretty easy patient load. 5 patients total on a med-surg floor. 2 were being discharged by the afternoon, 1 was just basically being monitored, 1 guy had cystic fibrosis and was in the hospital so often he could practically care for himself, and the 5th guy was newly diagnosed with cancer and they family kept changing their mind about whether they wanted to start chemo in Fl or NY, so we were basically just sitting on him waiting for a decision to be made.

I've become more and more convinced that I do not want to be a floor nurse. I just doesn't seem like something that interests me from what I've seen so far, which granted, isn't very much. I don't know how I'll feel about ICU/ER but I don't like high adrenline high stress situations. As of right now I want to become an NP as soon as possible, open or work at a nice little practice (either family or children only) and focus on wellness, prevention, education and basically health care problems. I really would like to incorporate mental health into my practice in some way if possible. I don't know how to go about it, but I've heard that psychiatric NP's can get certified to do counseling.

ahhhhh gotta go. finish this later.

Tomorrow is my first day of clinicals in the hospital! It's only an orientation day, but at least we'll be in the hospital environment. Then on Friday we are going to a Memory and Wellness center.

So far all I've learned is how to take a pulse and blood pressure and how to make beds. Oh I've also learned a lot about caring, gag. We finally touched upon nursing diagnoses and care plans... care maps is what my school calls them.

I'm proud of myself though; I believe I diagnosed my father's cough. For a couple years now my dad has had a persistent, annoying cough. It doesn't bother him, but the rest of us notice it. Well, in class we were learning about heart failure and hypertension (high blood pressure) and the main drugs used to treat/manage them. My dad takes an ACE inhibitor, which we learned has a very common side effect - a consistent, dry, irritating cough! It's silly, but I was so excited to be able to finally start connecting nursing with real life.

( Click for boring news about nursing school thus far )

School starts tomorrow!

Here's to a new chapter in my life!

I will be positive. I will be confident. I can do this.

I am my own worst enemy.

Everything will work itself out in time. Correct?

Why can't I be normal and go with the flow like most people? Why must I obsess about every single minute detail about my life and my future all the timeeeeee?

I'm only 23 years old (well, I will be in a week). I still have time to figure everything out. Why do I feel like I need everything to be worked out RIGHT NOW. I feel like if I don't know exactly what I want to do with my life now, it will be too late to change things later.

"If we take care of the moments, the years will take care of themselves."

I should be asleep by now, but I'm nervous!

Tomorrow I will find out what the next year of my life with be like... which leads to what the rest of my life will be like!

I feel like I'm unprepared, like the other students know something I don't. I'm so curious to find out what everyone is like. Are they mostly older? Have they worked in health care before? Or are they like me... young and unexperienced, but with a strong desire to learn. I'm sure it will be a mix.

The only thing I can do now is get some rest, wake up tomorrow, drive to Boca (and hopefully be on time) and take things as they come.

I need to sign up for a CPR class ASAP! And get these student health forms squared away.

The doctor misreading my TB test results sort of scared the crap out of me yesterday. Now, it keeps nagging me in the back of my mind that I have it! The cough I've had for a week has suddenly worsened. haha. psychological? I think so. My mom says if I'm worried I should have the chest xray for my own peace of mind. Do you think it's worth it to go through the aggrevation of getting an xray and waiting for the results for something that I'm 90% sure is nothing? Ah, we'll see. I'm getting a blood test next week for unrelated reasons, so if i'm still worried then, I'll talk to the doctor about it.

I had a long conversation with Brenna's ex boyfriend this afternoon about Alex. Apparently Alex and Brenna are still in some sort of twisted relationship. Apparently he's miserable. Is it wrong of me to say 'good'? I feel like he brought all of this on himself. He chose to move in with her, he chose to continue seeing her after realizing that they fought constantly, he chose to stay in Gainesville and continue working at Olive Garden and partying and doing coke even after his dad cut him off. He could have used graduating as a starting over point, but I truly believe he is a product of his own mind. He's never felt like he could make anything of himself, so he's set himself for exactly that.

In a way if felt good to talk to someone about all of this, he understood and had very similar feelings. On the other hand, it brought back some feelings that I was tired of feeling. I'm tired of thinking about him and his problems. I'm tired of feeling sad that he never cares to speak to me again. But, I'm happy in my relationship with Stevo, and I know without a doubt that I would never go back to Alex. Even if I never met Stevo, I wouldn't go back to Alex... he's just too fucked up of a person. Him and Brenna are both more fucked up than anyone I have ever met, so in a way, they are perfect for each other.

Sabrina, focus... you need to sleep. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

I wish I could predict the future. I want to know that my life is going to turn out how I want it to. I want to be able to plan everything out so it works perfectly. I want to know, with certainty, that nursing school is the right path for me, that Stevo is the right guy for me, that eventually I will grow up and be emotionally and financially secure. I want to know how/when I will be able to have children, and get my MSN and get my DNP. I don't know how people can be okay going through life not being obsessed with their future. I think sometimes it prevents me from having as much fun now as I could be having, because I'm trying to make sure I can have fun later. I'm not asking for too much, I don't think. I want to be able to have a job that I love, a man that I love, 2 children, a nice house, a car, the ability to go out to dinner/movies/etc once in a while, and the ability to go on awesome vacations frequently (like once a year). Everytime Stevo gets anxious about the future, I tell him that people always seem to figure it out. How many people do we know that are careerless/homeless/truly successful adults? Yeah, some people struggle more than others, but the vast majority of people get at least a job, a home, a family. That's all you really need to be happy right? Sure, some extra luxuries would be nice. I have to admit, I'm a little spoiled/materialistic. I mean I like fancy cars, expensive clothes, lobster dinners as much as the next girl...

Stevo and I looked at some apartments in Boca yesterday, after going to FAU to turn in some paperwork for school. We saw apartments ranging from $745 for a 1 bedroom/1 bath to $995 for one bedroom in a 3 bedroom apt! At first, the cheap 1-bedroom seemed like a possibility. It's small and ghetto, and not something I would pick it live in if I had a choice, but I could see us making it cozy. It would be sufficient for us to live in for the year that I am in school. But when we started crunching the numbers, we realized that even with the cheapest rent possible, it's still going to be around $10,000 each to live on our own for a year.

Let's see:

Rent (includes cable and water): 372 (these figures are per person)
Electricity: 40
Internet: 40ish
Car (gas + insurance): 120
Food: 150 (that's what stevo says, I think more...)
Misc: 100

I think those are the bare minimums.

$822/month --> $9,864/year.

Sigh. I'm already taking out loans to cover the entire cost of school for the next year, I'd have to take out $10,000 more to live on my own. Is it worth it? I'd love to get out of my parents house again, I'd love to live with Stevo and be able to do all the little things that couples who live together do, I'd love to have the convenience of driving 2 minutes (or walking) to class, especially when I'm going to have 12 hour clinicials. But, is it practical? No. I'd take out all of those loans, and I'm still going to be start from stratch. Once I graduate and have no more loan money, how am I going to pay to live somewhere until a few months into my career? I'd probably end up having to move home until I got more on my feet. So, we'll just have to be patient. The time will come....

------

School.

School is starting in... 41 days! OMG askfaj;lsfkajsirj! I'm nervous. I feel so unprepared. On the other hand, I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of wondering what it is going to be like and whether or not I'm going to suck at it or hate it. I want to learn how to give shots and start IVs and, sure, even wrap bandages. I want to see a baby be born, I want to help comfort people when they are at their most vulnerable. This girl at work who is in the process of applying to medical schools asked me "if you want to get your doctorate in nursing, why not just go to medical school?" I told her "because I like how nursing focuses more on education and prevention, and more on the whole patient rather than just the understanding of disease." She said "oh, that's a good answer."

Orientation is on Friday, so I'll finally get some more information about what my life is going to be like for the next 12 months!
I found out that a girl I went to high school and college with is going to be in my program. She also got into UF, and chose to move back home to help her family instead (her father was a police officer that got killed last year). We are going to talk about carpooling, which would be great.

I just don't understand what is going on in this country today. The economy is in shambles, the health-care industry is a complete joke, the housing market , the car manufacturers, the banks, everything is just being destroyed. People are so disconnected from each other, everyone focusing on themselves and their problems. What we need to be doing is looking at the bigger picture. What is best for everyone? What is best for our country, the country that we're supposed to love so much - the land of opportunity? It's gotten so bad, illegal immigrants don't even want to be here anymore. If they can't make any money, they'd rather be suffering with their families than suffering alone.

And this abortion issue. It's just incomprehensable that in 2009 people are still debating whether or not abortion should be legal. It's should be a nonissue. The whole issue stems from the very thing our government was set up not to get involved in - religion. If it wasn't an issue of church vs. state, what would be the reason to make abortion illegal? There is so no other reason, except for the fact that the religious majority believes that having an abortion is the same thing as killing a human being. They say that adoption is a perfectly reasonable alternative, but it's not. Look at our country's foster care system for 5 minutes and you'll see that we should not be increasing the number of children being born that do not have responsible parents.

gotta go, will continue later...

I used to think that I could change people. Now I know that you can only help people change when they want to change.

I'm not going to go into my new year resolutions, because to be honest, they're pretty much the same every year. Lose weight, make more money, be a better person, etc. etc.

However, I'm interested in hearing everyone's life lessons from 2008. I'm sure we've all had experiences that have taught us something we will never forget. Good or bad. Inspirational or not. I'd like to hear it.

I'll leave you with the lesson that I think will stick with me the most...


Love is not always what you think it is.

and

People are not always who you think they are.


This lesson applies in several ways, some good, and unfortunately, some bad. However, I can only hope that having this knowledge will allow me to take risks in getting to know more people better, because you'll never know what you're missing if you don't take that first step.

I hope everyone's 2009 will be filled with happiness, friendship and love.

This loneliness
is palpable. It’s in the way
I move
our bodies never quite
close enough. It’s
in my scent; that tenacious smell
that lingers on old sheets.
This loneliness
is tangible. I carry it with me
always.
Its heavy mass catches in my throat
when I breathe. It seeps
from my pores, each day slowly
draining.
Each day away from you, there is
slightly less of it. My body
is learning to function
on its own; like an infant
thrust out into the world,
you were my womb.

Since most of my entries over the past few months have mostly consisted of 1 melodramatic sentence, I figured I'd write a little more about what's been going on in my life.

I'm living at home, which I don't particularly like, but it's the only thing I can afford and therefore I'm trying to remain positive about it. It's really not bad, I'm just a spoiled brat. After applying to approximately 40 psych/counseling related jobs and receiving 0 interviews, I became desperate for money and am now working at Starbucks. I've been working there for almost a month, and so far I like it. The pay sucks, but I've been getting a decent amount of hours, and I'm supposedly going to be earning an extra $1.50-$2.00 an hour tips, so that helps. I've been exhausted everyday because they keep giving me early morning shifts. 6:45am today. 5am Wednesday, etc. It's bizarre waking up at 4am to go work. My brain doesn't even have time to register that it is tired until about 9ish. After work I usually come home and sleep or mope around for the remainder of the day. I have a pretty boring social life lately. My social circle has been decreased to pretty much Stevo, with an occasional outing with Katie. When I first came home, I was going out several days a week and drinking and going to the beach, so now that things have settled down, I'm getting bored again. 2 nights a week I go to the local community college. I'm taking chemistry, chem lab and nutrition as pre-requisties for Nursing school. However........

I think this week I decided what I actually want to do with my life. I'm still considering nursing school, but I think I want to become an Occupational Therapist. It sounds like the ideal job for me, and that makes me really happy. While I still don't know too much about it, in my mind I feel like it is a combination of a psychologist, a nurse and an elementary school teacher, which combines everything I've been thinking about doing for the past 4 years of my life, exciting! 

According to Wikipedia: Occupational therapy is the "use of productive or creative activity in the treatment or rehabilitation of physically, cognitively, or emotionally disabled people." "Occupational therapy gives people the "skills for the job of living" necessary for "living life to its fullest."

I'm looking into going to the Master's program at Nova University in Ft. Lauderdale that starts in June. The program is 2.5 years long and is going to cost approximately $40,000. Ahh! However, the job outlook is expected to increase 23 percent between 2006 and 2016, much faster than the average for all occupations. And the median annual salary is approximately $60,500.

I'm just chock full of fun facts today, aren't I? 

Well, I just got home from work and it's nap time. Peace.

Come on Sabrina, it's time to fucking get it together.

When does it stop hurting?